The Wiggles
by Candy Apple Heart Attack
Summary: Mello would have been a better friend to Near if only the younger boy had told Mello what the hell ‘the wiggles’ were. Two-shot. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: Don't own DN, didn't happen. Although, if this had indeed happened, it'd be an indication of why Mello hates Near so damn much.

**Summary:** Mello would have been a better friend to Near if only the younger boy had told Mello what the hell 'the wiggles' were. Two-shot.

* * *

**The Wiggles**

_**By Dale, Candy Apple Heart Attack**_

Mello had been to the SPK headquarters the week previous to retrieve the only remaining photograph of himself and to exchange some information with Near on the Kira case. Mello hadn't liked being in the building then, and if that was so, why in the hell was he there again?

He was there because Near had tracked down Mello's private phone line and had insisted the blonde came to see him because he had vital information to pass on to Mello. The blonde had gracefully told Near to sod off and shove that information up any hole he fancied, but the white haired boy had insisted through his robotic monotone that the information he had to share with Mello would be worth the blonde's physical and mental discomfort of having to be in a room with him.

And thus, Mello had grudgingly agreed to meet with Near and there he was, waiting impatiently for the younger boy to stop building his dice tower, turn around and say what he had to say to Mello. If the blonde hadn't been so sure that kicking the dice tower would delay what Near had to say, he would have punted the dice straight to hell. Maybe his foot could stray enough to kick Near in the face and make him bleed all over his immaculate pajamas…

But that would certainly delay things. And heaven forbid, Near's blood would stain his leather pants and his boots.

Faced with the possible outcomes of forcing Near's attention to focus on him, he admitted that waiting a few more minutes without exerting violence upon Near would be the best course of action. If he shut up and controlled himself, he'd be out of the building quickly and full of new leads, instead of having to clean up and dispose of a body without three of the best FBI agents around finding out.

Nevertheless, he could always ask to be acknowledged in a rather polite manner…but the thought of politeness towards Near was enough to make his tongue want to squirm all the way down to his intestines and implode there.

But what the hell, he was already uncomfortable being in Near's presence, so might as well talk to him.

Although the thought of how joyous the sound of his boot connecting with the twit's nose and shattering bones would be did wonders for his enthusiasm.

"Near?"

Mello's voice was clipped and curt. He didn't want to sound annoyed, but he didn't want to sound weak and acquiescent. Near did not turn around nor gave any sign of having heard Mello, but the blonde knew the little twerp had heard him. Sure enough, Near finally addressed him.

"Yes, Mello, I am aware you are waiting for me to speak and I shall arrive to the point shortly. But first, I will finish this tower, if you don't mind…"

Near knew how much Mello 'minded' waiting for anything, especially for anything that Near might have to offer. The younger boy was just being a smug bastard by saying so. The younger boy's fingers kept grasping at the small spotted blocks and arranging them in complex patterns, one upon the other. Now, Near was moving his hands with slow and precise movements as he was building the top-most part of his dice tower. His concentration seemed unbreakable and his movements seemed planned down to the last millimeter. Mello would have watched him work more closely if he hadn't been so busy being irked by the sight and sound of Near existing.

"You know I mind. I have things to do that do not involve childish entertainment…" Mello commended himself for keeping anger out of his voice.

Near placed three more dice and admired his tower for a mere second or two. He turned around slowly to face Mello and greeted the elder boy with his trademark placid face and poker stare.

Mello fixed Near with a stare of his own and banished the wonderful thoughts of mauling Near to the back of his mind before speaking.

"Tell me what you found so I can get going. I have somewhere to be and I cannot afford to waste time on an unnecessary play date."

Smooth, thought Mello. He found himself growing confident that he could be cutting without resorting to the blade tucked in to the side of his boot. Wit was definitely on his side today.

Near ignored his jab and he began to talk.

"Based on what you told me about the Shinigami's notebook and the surveillance Rester and Gevanni have set up regarding Light Yagami…"

Near never quite finished his sentenced; His frail frame double over in a sudden contraction and his face quickly changed from its stony look to one of stone cold terror and unpleasant surprise. Mello could see the boy's skinny back bow and his body go taut as if he was in an incredible amount of pain.

Mello was shocked to see the boy react in that manner and he wondered if the pain Near seemed to be feeling was coming from actually moving his facial muscles or any other movement out of the norm for him. The blonde was fascinated by the sight and couldn't decide whether he should be amused or alarmed.

Another convulsion shook Near, causing his back to arch backwards until Mello thought Near's spine would snap like a twig beneath a shoe. Near's legs shot out from underneath him and crashed against the dice tower. The edifice came tumbling down on Near's lap and legs, the little blocks rolling down around his body and away from him, as if running away from the same fate that had befallen their master architect.

Mello finally snapped out of his confusion and approached the writhing boy swiftly, and in moments, Mello's hands were reaching for Near's shoulders, gripping the trembling body and offering some support to the white-haired boy.

All those times that Mello had imagined what Near's face would look like with some emotion shaping it and he was finally seeing it…and he wasn't very sure he liked it as much as he thought he would. The discomfort of seeing Near's pain was beyond him and that made him wonder whether he really hated Near as much as he said he did or if it was an excuse to hide the possibility that he actually cared about the boy.

"What is it?"

There was no way Mello could disguise the concern written on his face and peeking out of him through his words. His mind was still fixated on the idea of hurting the boy, but the way his hands were shaking the boy was nothing if not careful. The blonde racked his brain a mile a minute trying to figure out what could be wrong with the boy in his arms and the thought that came to his head stopped him in his tracks.

This was no heart attack, but it could certainly be Kira's doing. As much as Mello wanted to push that thought from his mind, the whimpers and gasps coming from Near wouldn't let him ward that thought off. The boy's gaze snapped to Mello's and the blonde forgot to breathe for a second or two as he watched Near gather his strength agonizingly slow, trying to speak. Mello even leaned forward to listen to the boy as if proximity could somehow aid the younger boy.

"…the wiggles."

That was all Near said before another stab of pain knocked the air and the fight out of him.

"What the hell...?"

To add insult to injury, Mello was now confused aside from being worried. As with everything he could not understand, Mello's confusion quickly changed into anger and he found himself shaking Near again, but not of out worry this time. He was shaking the boy as a way of demanding answers.

"Oh, God, the wiggles."

"What the hell is that, Near? Is this some sort of sort of stupid game?"

So, maybe Kira wasn't behind this, after all. By the way Near sounded, it was possible this wasn't the first time he was seized by the mysterious pains. The blonde's anger didn't last long though; Near's jerky movements became more frenzied and the boy was beginning to struggle violently in Mello's arms. His words were also becoming agitated, jumbled and sharply punctuated by breathless gasps.

"Oh, God, I've got the wiggles…the wiggles…no, no, no…"

It was true that Mello had seen some grisly thing in his short lifetime, especially during his time with the mafia, but being so up close to a pained Near was baffling, for lack of a better term. The rapid decay of the snow-haired boy was happening right before the blonde's eyes and he didn't like it one bit. Near's eyes were full of tears and glints of terror, but their focus was fading fast, lending the young boy the appearance of wasting away and sinking to a place where Mello could not reach him to get him out.

"Near?"

The worst case scenarios were mixed up inside Mello's head, making it difficult to breathe and make a quick decision regarding Near's almost non-existent well-being. He didn't want to think the runt was dying…but if he were, why the hell was he so reluctant to let him die?

"I'vegotthewigglesI'vegotthewigglesI'vegotthewiggles!"

Thiskidwasn'tdyingthiskidwasn'tdyingthiskidwasn'tdying. A voice inside Mello's head kept whimpering in the same pitch as Near. The blonde sought desperately to get back to familiar territory – he needed to get angry, furious, miffed…anything. Anything that would allow him to get a grip on himself and the situation.

"Damnit, Near, It'd be a great help if you told me what the fuck 'the wiggles' are, you know…"

Mello hoped 'miffed' would work.

"Help me."

Near whispered fearfully and breathlessly painfully close to Mello's face. There was no way Mello could be anything but afraid for the boy's health when he spoke in that voice. Heart breaking wasn't the word, but it was the first word that came to mind.

"Near, what is it?! Talk to me, damnit!"

The blonde it was pointless to ask him since all Near had said were two words that, for the life of him, didn't make sense to him at all. Just what the fuck were 'the wiggles'?

"The wiggles, Mello…h-help me…"

There had to be someone who knew how to fix Near, someone who could tell what to do with the boy…anyone that could tell him anything…

"Aw, fuck this. Near, stay put and I'll be right back."

Despite Near's nearly incoherent mumbling and groaning about Mello staying with him, but the blonde made up his to find someone. This really was beyond him and he fully admitted he couldn't deal with Near like that…at all. He'd never been able to handle the boy, and thus he always walked away from him. Anger and hate were always the best excuses to walk away faster.

But this time, he'd come back to Near of his own volition and not because he had to. Setting Near carefully on the floor, he scrambled out of the room in flash; the resounding thunk of his heavy boots pounding the ground all the way down the corridor being his sole follower.

If there was someone who could deal with the problem, it was the Rester guy – he seemed to be the closest to Near out of the other SPK agents and, after all, he was the boy's right hand man. The manpower to Near's mastermind.

After turning, running and shouting, Mello stumbled upon a room with several computers, other equipment and Rester. The blonde had never liked those shmucks Near called FBI agents, but he had never been so glad to see the burly blonde man ready to spring to action in the blink of an eye.

"Rester! Rester!"

Anthony stood up quickly at seeing Mello burst in so suddenly. Upon noticing that Near was not with Mello, there were several scenarios running through his head, and he didn't like them one bit. Mello could tell Rester wasn't happy to see the young blonde from the hardened look on the older man's face. It was look that at any other moment, Mello would have drawn his gun at and shot him. But now was not the time to shoot anyone because there was no time to waste.

"What is it, Mello?"

Apparently, Mello wasn't the only hostile person in the building. Any move coming from Rester screamed 'I'll fucking kill you without a second though if you give me a reason to', and Mello didn't like it, but he had to shrug it off. He was never good at keeping calm, so he just spat out what he was dying to say.

"It's Near! Something happened to him!"

If Mello had been in the mindset to shoot anyone at any moment, he could have reacted accordingly to Rester charging toward him and grabbing him by the neck. From one moment to the next, Mello's feet were not touching the ground and his trachea was wilting beneath the force of Rester choking him. Mello had no time to react accordingly before the commander was shouting at him, demanding answers the American way.

"What'd you do to him, you punk?"

"W-what? I didn't do anything to the kid for once in my life! Let me down, damnit!"

As disgraceful as his rebuttal was, he couldn't say anything else. It was rather difficult to fight someone when they were cutting off his air supply. However, Mello's fighting spirit made up for his sudden lack of wit. He brought one knee up and kicked Rester on the stomach. Rester released him on reflex and fought the urge to wince and grab at his stomach. Both blondes were battling their restraint and were ready to jump at each other's throats, but Rester regained his composure and snapped back to reality.

"Do you know what happened then?"

"I'm not sure…All I know is that he was fine one minute and then he was screaming and thrashing around the next. He kept saying something about 'the wiggles' or something like that…"

The mere mention of 'the wiggles' had been enough to make Rester's hardened look crumble into abject horror.

"Oh, boy."

He liked Rester's terrified look even less than his usual. Those wiggles couldn't be good news, gauging from the reactions he was getting from near and the commander.

"What? What's wrong with that kid?"

Mello was really starting to get pissed about being out of the loop. He was just trying to help, but no one would tell him what was going on. The people working for Near were just as useless as the boy employing them. As much as he was angry, he was still worried, which in turn angered even more.

"You say he was talking about 'the wiggles'. Are you sure?"

How condescending, how paranoid. Why would Mello joke about something like that when he didn't even know what it was?

"Yeah, that's what he kept saying."

Standing at the threshold of the computer station, Gevanni and Lidner had their mouths hanging open with disbelief and something like apprehension. The young brunette slipped up and cursed, startling Mello and Rester.

"Shit. Where is he now?"

Mello's eyes focused on Gevanni, then Lidner, then Rester.

"He's in the interrogation room…that's where I left him…"

In turn, Anthony shifted his heavy gaze from one agent to another and then to Mello before telling them all

"We have to go get him."

Mello nodded and the four of them took off running towards the interrogation room, expecting hell and then some.

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AN: Gah, stupid FF didn't save my author's note. Fuck writing it again.

All I have to say is, keep reading! it's worth your while and you'll Near in a whole new light...Lol. Next update in a couple of days, max. maybe tomorrow.

Chip, it's for you! And the people who read our stories, of course. :

Suspense, suspense! See y'all at two!

-Das Dale.

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	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own DN, didn't happen. Although, if this had indeed happened, it'd be an indication of why Mello hates Near so damn much. And, kiddies… drugs are bad, but crack like this won't hurt you. Much.

Summary: Mello would have been a better friend to Near if only the younger boy had told Mello what the hell 'the wiggles' were. One-shot.

* * *

"**You say he was talking about 'the wiggles'. Are you sure?"**

"**Yeah, that's what he kept saying."**

"**Shit. Where is he now?"**

"**He's in the interrogation room…that's where I left him…"**

"**We have to go get him."**

* * *

**_The Wiggles, Part Two_**

**_By Dale, CAHA_**

Mello was the first to arrive to the interrogation room, but was shoved out of the way by Rester, who scanned the room with crazed eyes until his sight fell upon the small and battered body of the albino detective lying motionlessly on the ground. Near's body was surrounded by dice and a couple of buttons of his pajama shirt had torn loose during his struggle.

"Near? Near!"

Mello watched silently as Rester dropped to his knees and examined Near all over, as if checking for marks of abuse or any other indication of foul play. The boy's face was slacking, but the glints of fear and pain were still present in his eyes. He had long stopped kicking and shouting, so it was fairly easy for Rester to slip a hand under Near's back and bring the boy to a sitting position. Rester found Near's eyes fixed on his and they all heard the boy whisper to Rester weakly

"Tony…the wiggles…"

Rester gave Near a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and turned to look at Mello, as if he still didn't believe that Mello had nothing to do with Near's collapse; the older man found his nasty look countered by Mello's own 'I-told-you-so' look. The commander returned his attention to Near and spoke to the boy in a soothing voice that was meant to inspire calm in Near.

"Relax, Near…I'm here. We'll get the wiggles out in a second and everything will be alright."

Near tried nodding, but he went rigid when another spasm rocked through him, constricting his throat and wrenching a sob from him. Rester cringed and held Near against his wide chest seeking to shield him from any more pain.

"Help me, Tony."

The difficulty with which Near whispered his call for help rang in Mello's ears unpleasantly and tugged at the heartstrings he tried so hard to ignore. He clenched his fist and forced himself to look at Rester and Near, waiting for a resolution to the boy's problem. But if Mello was affected, the look on Rester's face was a notch above scared shitless. Not wasting any more time, the older blonde gathered Near in his arms bridal style and got up from the ground on which he had been kneeling.

"C'mon, Near. Hold on to me and I'll carry you,"

Near merely nodded and one of Rester's imposing hands glided up to cradle Near's head against his neck and shushed the boy soothingly. Mello dug his nails into his palms the moment he found himself thinking it should be him carrying and comforting Near. After all, weren't they both two of a kind?

The blonde could have shot himself in the foot for just thinking that.

Without further ado, Rester walked out of the interrogation room with Near in his arms and Mello hot on his heels. The blonde didn't dare ask Rester where he was taking Near, so he just followed them past a hallway lined with doors. Rester disappeared behind one of those doors and Mello slipped into the room right after them.

The room turned out to be a bathroom.

"Tony…"

"Shh, don't stress yourself. You know it isn't good for you when you stress like that…" Rester caressed the boy's forehead and swept a pair of sweaty cotton locks away from the boy's face.

Near became more desperate at the sight of the bathroom and tried to squirm in Rester's embrace.

"We're here, Near…it's almost over, relax."

Rester cooed again and Mello approached them slowly. The blonde hesitantly reached out toward Near and took a hold of the boy's hand. It was barely warm and a cold sweat emanated from the soft palm. Mello gave the tiny hand a squeeze, which earned him a look full of unspoken gratitude from Near.

Mello cringed and slowly pulled away from the boy before he could smile at the exchange. Rester stepped closer to the toilet seat and began to pull Near's pajama bottoms past his hips and down his spindly legs.

Mello's eyes threatened to bulge out of his sockets. Why was Rester stripping Near? Petrified on the spot, Mello watched Rester pull down Near's pants down to his knees and set the boy on the toilet seat. With one arm wrapped around the boy's torso and the other hand on Near's cheek, Rester supported the boy on the toilet seat and continued to shush and pacify the distraught albino.

"Shh…you'll be alright in a moment, Near…"

"…Tony…"

"Near, it's alright now…don't fight the wiggles and it'll soon be over."

Near screwed his eyes shut and whimpered loudly before going perfectly still. Two small farting sounds came from the toilet and the boy relaxed and slumped against Rester with a spent expression.

Rester's face relaxed as well as Near's and they exchanged small smiles before Near slipped back into character, hiding once again behind his impassive façade.

"Thank you for your assistance, Commander Rester."

"No problem, Near."

Rester stood up and brushed invisible dirt from his knees and Near stood up shamelessly and pulled up his pants.

Meanwhile, Mello is rooted to the spot, mouth agape and shock dilating his pupils. He ran his hands through his hair desperately, leaving his bangs sticking out in a golden mess. He covered his face with his gloved hands, all the while shaking from head to toe in what was clearly rage.

"Wait a minute… wait a fucking minute…" Mello babbled manically, as if talking to himself. The scenario that had just taken place was too much and he felt the urge to pace around, trying to make sense of everything. It was Rester and Near's turn to remain silent and watch the blonde slowly lose his mind.

They didn't have to wait too long for Mello to explode.

"That was it?! That was what 'the wiggles' were?!"

The blonde was screaming and yanking his hair. His eyes had taken that unmistakable crazy look that only Mello could pull off and his voice was cracking from the volume and the fury tearing up his vocal chords.

Rester remained silent. Near wanted to say something, but then thought better of it and remained silent as well, waiting for Mello to continue throwing his tantrum.

"**WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"**

Silence continued to reign among Rester and Near. Mello continued looking at the older blonde and the young detective, not noticing that Gevanni and Lidner were standing just outside the bathroom witnessing the scene.

"All that drama for gas?! What the hell, Near…you caused that huge scene because you had to fart?! Couldn't you drag your sorry pajama ass to the bathroom yourself?!"

"Mello, Please…" Near interjected calmly, but Mello cut the boy off with a harsh scream.

"No!"

Mello's eyes begin to wander all over the room and snap back and forth in all sorts of demented angles. As he clenched and unclenched his fists, he started to mumble lowly but the pitch of his voice was all wrong; it was a notch above from crazy.

"You had me worried… Fuck, you actually had ME worried…" The blonde continued to rant to himself while pacing. The squeaky sound his boots were making against the shiny linoleum provided an unbearable soundtrack to his fit. Mello snapped his neck in Near's direction and stalked toward the boy with all the intentions of strangling him and inflicting horrible injuries upon him. Rester stepped in between both heirs and warned Mello to stay away from Near in his deadliest voice.

"Refrain yourself, Mello,"

The blonde refused to take shit from Rester and pushed the man backwards in a show of defiance. Before Rester retaliated, Mello exploded once again, this time, Rester being the target. Mello wagged a gloved finger at the older man hysterically, his voice straining with poison.

"Fuck you! I can't believe you condone this absurdity! And you even set him down on the goddamn loo!" The blonde took a deep breath and smacked his forehead in a show of disbelief, " Jesus, you even pulled his pants down for him!"

Near held Rester back from pouncing on Mello. The younger boy knew the man would attempt to tear Mello to shreds if he did not assert his authority. Near knew the fight would have double casualties if it happened, and to be truthful, both men were way too useful to let them hurt themselves stupidly.

"What's next?! You'll wipe his arse and pat his back until he burps?!"

"Stop it, Mello!" Rester could no longer contain his irritation and yelled at the young blonde in frustration. Near stepped in between them, trying to act as mediator, but what he said just managed to piss Mello off even more.

"No, commander, let him speak his mind. Let him say what he wants to say and then he will probably be on his way. I doubt he wants to remain in my presence after what he just witnessed."

"Damn right I don't want to be near you!" The mercurial mafia leader spat. His fingers were itching and only gripping his gun and firing was going to make the itching go away. One more word out of the cotton ball and he'd blast his gassy ass three floors down from hell with a round of bullets. The little prat had actually made him care about his life. Mello felt foolish and every comment out of Near was fuel to the wildfire inside his head that was growing way too fast for him to keep track of.

However, Mello didn't expect to hear laughter or see the other two SPK agents giggling at his tirade. The giggling got progressively worse as Mello started to growl and make all sorts of furious and strangled noises that sounded like a cross between a heart attack and choking on a marble. Mello's eyes were twitching uncontrollably at the sounds of mirth coming from the agents.

"And you two! You just stand there and watch it happen! You're all jerks, all of you! You're all sick!"

It was only a matter of time before the giggling turned into laughter. And it was also a matter of time before the laughter had spread to encompass Rester. However, what made the mocking unbearable was the tiny smirk that cracked Near's poker face.

"Stop laughing! Goddamnit, I said STOP LAUGHING!!"

As if on cue, Gevanni began to cry tears of laughter and doubled over, slapping his thighs. Halle was very close to cackling as she held on to the door of the restroom. Rester was chuckling while looking at Mello straight in the eye and Near sat on the floor at Rester's feet curling his hair with a smile on his face.

"Stop fucking laughing, you sick fucks!! Stop laughing or I'll chip your fucking teeth off with bullets!"

That was the last straw. In the blink of an eye, his shiny revolver was out and waving wildly back and forth between the SPK agents and Near. Not to be outdone, began to laugh too, but that made him the only one laughing. Everyone else had gone quiet, as if actually fearing the consequences of their actions.

"Are you going to stop laughing now?!"

Rester stopped laughing and drew his gun as well, but Gevanni and Lidner resumed their laughter with more strength than before – it was almost like they had stopped to breathe, only to start laughing again. Near was no longer laughing either, but his eyes are shining with the restroom lights, and that glint screamed mirth.

As much as he wanted to shoot everyone until there was nothing left to shoot, something in him reminded that he was free to leave and that he could put this clusterfuck behind him as quickly as he could get on his bike and ride away. He was through with being the butt of their joke, Near's pet, the world's worst victim of circumstance. He was going to hold on to his last particle of sanity and walk away from the object of his hate and the worst American he ever had the disgrace of crossing paths with.

Mello breathed in deeply, ran a hand through his hand, and exhaled slowly. He willed his voice to drop to a relatively normal tone and managed to sound more composed.

"I'm out of here. I can't stand to be around any of you sods…bunch of pedo pandas with badges wiping this pipsqueak's arse. I hope Kira gives you all heartburn or something."

"But Mello, don't you want to know what I have to say to you regarding the information I gathered?" Near offered politely, but Mello knew there was mockery behind his question.

"You sure gathered something, but it wasn't information…" Mello grunted as he tucked his gun back into the front of his pants and patted his bangs down.

"Are you sure you don't want to hear what I have to say?" Near insisted, but Mello didn't take the bait. Looking at Near in the eye, Mello simply replied

"I've heard enough out of you for the rest of my life."

The blonde turned his back on Near and his lot once and for all, and began to count the steps it took him to get away from them as a form of keeping himself from starting a killing spree. His counting got louder as Gevanni began to giggle again, but he did not look back until he had reached the doors of building he had come in through.

The sight of the bike soothed Mello. The blonde jumped on his iron horse, revved it up and burned tire tracks into the pavement as he peeled out of the building.

As he left the building behind him, Mello couldn't stop himself from muttering under his breath

"Fucking Americans…"

(o0o0o0o)

After Mello stormed out of the building, Gevanni stopped laughing and wiped the tears of laughter from his face with his jacket sleeve. Lidner had stopped laughing before him and had resorted to examining her fingernails before walking back to her computer to continue the investigation. Rester bowed his head slightly at Near and took his leave, opting to follow Lidner into the computer station.

Near crawled out of the bathroom and headed toward the interrogation room where he had a pressing engagement with his fallen dice tower. As he neared the room, the white-haired boy whispered to himself

"And I'm the one without a sense of humor."

das ende

* * *

Author's Note: So, how's that for crack? huh?

rolls on the floor giggling maniacally It was definitely fun to watch Near squirm and Mello lose his fucking mind over a little fart or two. Anyway, Thank you to all those lovely readers who have reviewed and I hope that those who haven't done it yet do so... it'd be nice, you know.

Chip, lovely, this one's to cheer you up. And readers, this one's obviously for you too.

See you soon, I hope!

-Das Dale


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